Why it’s not ok to call me fat.

You’ll notice there is no asterisk in that title that notes *unless I’m pregnant. For most people it is common sense that they should not call anyone else fat, especially to their face. Once again, I’ve observed that there seems to be a whole different set of rules that people follow when encountering a pregnant woman. Because saying “it is not ok to tell a pregnant woman she is fat” clearly is not clear enough for some people, I feel compelled to be more specific. The following are ways in which you should NOT tell a pregnant woman she is fat.

BIG. Seems like an innocent enough three letter word. Great for describing a ship, a hit song, a fish swimming in a small pond and also, a classic Tom Hanks movie! So what could be wrong with the word BIG? Using it to talk about someone’s appearance. Most of you would not approach friends at a happy hour and greet them by saying “Wow, you’ve gotten so big!” Why not? Because that’s offensive and you would quickly have no one joining you for happy hour. Really, I find it no less offensive when it is said to a woman who happens to be growing a human inside of her. In fact, knowing that there is a small human inside her making her hormones rage, disturbing her sleep, hindering her ability to breath and much more, I’d sooner insult a known felon.

I am obviously speaking from my own perspective as a first time preggo and know that not all women feel the same way. I know there are women who struggle to gain weight during pregnancy and therefore have a set of insecurities all their own. My motto with so many things in life is “when in doubt, know the power of saying nothing.” If you’re not sure what to say to a pregnant woman, say NOTHING. It will really be ok. Believe it or not, it is not a written or unwritten law that you must talk to a pregnant woman about her pregnancy or appearance. If you can’t help yourself, say congratulations and move on.

DON’T guess how far along she is or how many babies YOU think she is carrying. I read advice early on in my pregnancy that said to lie to strangers saying you are further along than you are. I didn’t realize at the time what sound advice that is.  The checkout line has rapidly become my most dreaded place during my pregnancy because I’m trapped in line like a (BIG) sitting duck with a cashier who passes the time by talking to me about how I look. Doesn’t that just sound like everyone’s dream come true? Who goes to Target dressed to the nines with hair and makeup done? Pretty much no one. So imagine if you were checking out and cashier lady took it upon herself to comment on how your yoga pants look with your messy bun. I bet more than half of you would think about telling her supervisor she needs to shut the hell up. But if you’re pregnant, you smile and count the seconds until your card is authorized and you can escape this lady’s ‘compliments.’

I realize it is probably pretty passive aggressive of me not to confront any of these drive by assailants but my blood pressure would be through the roof, and I’d likely be banned from the grocery store if I did. Instead I vent to my husband and close mom friends and imagine what I’d really love to say to some of the incredibly insulting compliments I receive on the regular.

“I bet you’re gonna pop any day now, right?” Yes, if I don’t wash up on a beach before that, thanks.

“You still have six weeks to go?!?! Oh you definitely won’t make it to your due date at this rate!” Thanks, I will let my OB know you said that because you obviously shelved your medical degree to become a cashier at Walgreens.

“Wow, and there’s only one in there?!” Yes I am only growing one human inside me at the moment but judging by the look on your face I will ask my OB if in fact I’m carrying a donkey or horse that would explain my horrifying gerth.

“You look really pregnant.” Well that’s good because I really am pregnant but until you said that I wasn’t sure.

“Wow, you’ve gotten so much bigger!” Yes, I have. You get how this pregnancy thing works, right?

“So how much weight have you gained?” Really?? When is this EVER ok?! My typical response is either ‘I’m not sure’ or ‘Enough’ while I’m thinking of how to change the subject. The truth is, I know exactly how much I’ve gained and my doctor says it is perfect but it is none of your damn business.

Your shock and awe response is not something I was striving to achieve. Come to think of it, stranger, I didn’t strike up this conversation about my body. You did.  In fact, I can’t remember a single time in my life I walked up to any stranger and asked “How do I look?” Oh but I got pregnant. My bad.

I’ve mentioned a lot of encounters with strangers and referred to most of them as female. One of the more surprising things I’ve learned is that women tend to be the culprit of these insensitive comments. I guess men, or most of the ones I’ve encountered, have a little more training in keeping their mouths shut on such topics. The real shocking blows have been delivered by women, even fellow moms who are my friends or family. My assumption is that they feel like they can comment because they’ve been pregnant or that they think they are complimenting you in some way just by discussing your pregnancy with you. What I really believe is that we’ve been treating pregnant women this way for so long that it sounds normal. I’m sure some of the women who have told me how BIG I am, were told the same thing at some point and were made to think it was somehow a sweet thing to say.

Every pregnancy is unique. I’ve read and heard that a million times in the last eight months. This means not every woman carries weight the same way. Not every woman has morning sickness. Not every woman runs marathons through her pregnancy and not every woman has pain or other conditions that prevent her from keeping up her exercise routine. All of these and a million other things can affect how a woman looks during pregnancy. None of these factors give anyone else the right to comment on her appearance. As a society, it is no secret that we are brutally hard on women for their looks. That is a topic in and of itself. But can we cut pregnant women some friggin’ slack?

Call me crazy, hormonal, overly sensitive, whatever. We do not need to be passing judgement on any woman’s appearance nor should we have the audacity to voice such opinions. Wake up. This is how women develop eating disorders and other dangerous complexes.  I have close friends who do have such disorders, and I have no idea how they made it through their pregnancies or how they will make it through a pregnancy. I wish I could somehow shield them from all the ignorance. Prior to becoming pregnant, I was comfortable with my weight and overall appearance. But at that point, neither had been subject to such open scrutiny. I was at a healthy weight when I conceived and according to my doctor (the only person who should be talking to me about my weight gain) my weight gain and the size of my baby are exactly on track. I am not carrying like either of my sisters did, like either of my best friends did or like the lady at Target did. However, I’ve had a healthy pregnancy and have managed to make it to thirty-five weeks without losing my s@%t on any family, friends or strangers who’ve, at times, made me feel like a circus freak.

My message is this: do not ask a pregnant woman a question you would not want to answer at any point in your life; do not pay her a ‘compliment’ that you would not find flattering whether you were pregnant or not; and when in doubt say NOTHING. Remember also, that if you are inclined to make a comment, others may have been as well. In other words, you might be the fifth person in a week to tell some poor, hormonal, sleep-deprived woman that she “looks swollen.” Now imagine how you’ve affected her day. Words like glowing, radiant, gorgeous and beautiful are all safe words. If you really want to rock her world, comment on something other than her appearance and tell her she’s going to be a great mom! Steer clear of the word BIG. No matter how you use it, imagine yourself sounding as obnoxious as Donald Trump saying ‘yuuuuge.’